Speed Bump

I am terrified. So very terrified of a great many things. Large trucks and buses on the highway scare me. Griping the wheel so tight my fingers went numb, I was terrified to let go. Being alone scares me. The uneasiness that sets in when I am by myself even in a place I know is safe. The uncertainty of things scares me. Being able to have control over events in my life helps me to maintain control of myself and I am absolutely terrified of what will happen if I don’t. The future scares me. Well, I guess that is because it is uncertain. But most of all I am scared of a blank sheet of paper.

This month I am participating in the made up challenge of National Game Writing Month. It is my graceful way of avoiding the actual articles that I promised myself I would write. I like to think of game ideas in advance and write them down, even if it is just a word or phrase. It makes it so that I don’t have to sit down in front of a blank space silently judging me as I attempt to create something. The blank page, the unpainted canvas, the blinking text cursor; they all scare me a little. If I am a creative person, why is it so hard to create?

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Pac-Man.  PAC MAN.  Pacman.  Paaaaaaaac Maaaaaaaaaaaaan. 

Pac-Men.  Pac-Woman.  Ms. Pac-Man.

Ghosts.  Inky, Blinky, Pinky, Bonnie and Clyde.  Chase.  Run.  Flee.  Eat.  Survive.

Pellets.  Dots.  Waka waka.  Power pellets.  Cherry.  Orange.  Pretzel.  Eat.

Pac-Man.  Pizza.  Missing slice. Mouth. Eat.

Disappointment.

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My future scares me. College is a terrible burden weighing down my every thought and action. Everything must be right. It all must be good to go to college. Go to college to get a job. Get a job to get money. Get money to buy a house. Buy a house, have a wife. Have a wife, start a family. Start a family, be happy. Since when did I fit the cookie cutter?

I want to make videogames. I want to go to college so I can make videogames. I want to create. I am a creator, an artist. Videogames are my medium. That is what I want. That is my passion. That is what I love. That is what I do now and hope to do until the day I die. But, the application asks me what else I do. Apparently, videogames aren’t enough to get me into college for videogames. So long cookie cutter.

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Pick one of three classic games; Pac-Man, Brick Break or Donkey Kong and reinvent it for a modern audience. That is what the application said. I chose Pac-Man. Why not? Pac-Man is great. Always was and always will be. Should be easy to make something using an already great game, right?

Wrong.

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Should I even be writing this? Don’t I have a NaGaWriMo to do? Won’t the college be able to read this? I gave them the address. Do they bother to check? Will it negatively affect my chances with the other colleges? Was it smart to make the one school with a portfolio requirement my number one choice? What if I don’t mention the name? Is it okay then?

Will it ever be okay?

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I also play saxophone. That is what I do beyond videogames. I do music. Just like every other teenager. But, no, really. Please listen. I play the saxophone. An E flat alto. Yamaha YAS-28. It’s a refurbished school model that my parents bought me. I play in the marching band, concert band, jazz band, and pitt orchestra. I have done sax quartets over the summer. I have had jazz training. I know all my scales including the blues ones as well. I do more than videogames. I play the sax. Please listen.

Jazz band is wonderful and unlike anything I have done before. The first rule of being a good musician is to listen and that is doubly so for playing jazz. When the band is grooving, you still need to listen. It is not about you, it is about the band. Follow the flow. Listen first and then when you are ready play. Teamwork and interdependence in its finest. Going up to solo is as much an exercise in trusting yourself as it is in trusting others. The band sets everything up for you and you just have play. Out there on the stage, the lights hot and the sweat makes it hard to keep the mouth piece in place there is no time for second thoughts. You trust and you play.

You create. 

The band lays done the groove. The chords and feel. They place the prompt. They prime the canvas. They write the first word. Then I can create. It isn’t so terrifying.

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The last performance of the play last year the actors came out on stage and thanked us in the pitt. They threw down fake carnations. It was the first time they had ever thanked us. I kept the flower. Using brown duck tape that serendipitously matched the color of my case I taped the flower to the side of my case, permanently making it fixture in all my sax endeavors. When the director asked me about it I said:

“It is minus one professionalism, but plus three pizzazz”.

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Pac-Man is a pizza. He is missing a slice. 

Slice is a slice of pizza. He is Pac-Man’s missing slice. 

That was my game. There was so much more detail to it. Months of work. The best I could do. It was what I hoped for. My ticket into college. My ticket to making games. My ticket to happiness. That game was so much. 

So we drove a day into the mountains to get my portfolio reviewed. To have it evaluated. To hear someone else tell me it was as good as I knew it to be. I drove on major highways with the scarily large trucks and buses. My future was starting to come together. It was begging to not be as terrifying. I had done enough practice; visited other colleges, worked on this portfolio, knew what I was gonna say. I had it down to muscle memory. I was ready to move on to the next level. 

Pac-Man.  Slice.  Videogames.  College.

Disappointment.

The rest of my life.  My future. 

Disappointment.

It wasn’t good enough.

Game Over.

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Would you like to try again?

10 …

9 …

8 …

7 …

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Maybe if I switch now I can still apply to a music school.

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6 …

5 …

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Is it that I am afraid of the blank page? Is the potential terrifying?

Or is it the possibility of failure?

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4 …

3 …

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When you play a solo you cannot just stop because you hit a wrong note. You keep playing. You keep creating. It is part of the process. If the band falls out behind you, keep playing. Keep creating and never stop. Because when you do, that is when you are really done for. Failure is part of creation.

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2 …

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I want to make videogames. I want to go to college. I want to be happy. I want to drive on the highway with the big trucks and buses. I don’t want to be scared anymore. I want to play as Pac-Man. I want to play as Slice. I want to play the saxophone. I want to solo. I want to create.

I want to try again.